Friday, February 26, 2010

Trouble In Mind

It was another one of those nights. I dreamt I was being harassed by small children and woke to find it true. Things went downhill from there. I set out a coffee cup and a sippy cup. I poured my morning brew, then cleverly added apple juice to it. Oops.

I wondered if it was still drinkable. It wasn't.

I tried again, paying closer attention to which bottle I chose from the refrigerator.

I left my three year-old in the care of PBS and went to spend some time alone with my thoughts.

I wish I had just watched Clifford instead.

Seven out of ten customers who switched to Allstate saved money.

What happened with the other three?

Wouldn't you think guys named Dick would try a little harder ?

Why on earth is this song stuck in my head?

My jar of peanuts reads: Warning! Contains Peanuts.

So does the peanut butter.

The jar of almonds? Contains Almonds. Good to know.

The milk jug doesn't warn me it contains milk. Is someone slacking?

Take-out coffee cups warn me that the beverage is hot.

My lawnmower suggests I keep my hands and feet away from the vicious, ugly blade. Sounds like a plan.

2-Ton Epoxy is not to be taken internally. Don't forget, now.

Am I missing something here?

Three cups later I opened my other eye.

I need to ask my doctor if Lunesta is right for me. Or something.

Very Truly Yours,




lime said...

clifford indeed. how is it that a gigantic red dog makes more sense than some of the labels on products intended for use by adults?

Matt Conlon said...

I once changed the Toner cartridge for an old Canon printer/copier. That container said "Warning: Contents partially unknown".

While I realize it's probably because it's an imperfect mixture of a billion different things, and they can't swear to exactly which parts made it into which bottles, that warning gives me pause. Imagine seeing that on a peanut butter jar?

Cricket said...

Hi Matt - Welcome to Cricket and Porcupine. It is on the peanut butter jar: "may contain one or more of the following..."

My personal favorite "food" ingredient: glycerol ester of wood rosin. Yum. I just love me some wood rosin.

Matt Conlon said...

Yeah, makes you want to just make your own stuff... Though who knows what's in the raw ingredients you buy too... Hormones and such.

Hilary said...

If they'd only warned you that the coffee you're drinking could keep you awake, you wouldn't have to worry about the Lunesta.

And darn you for making me click on that song. You deserve a Barry Manilow link in return. Except I just can't stomach it.

Pauline said...

So now I will be humming Saturday Night all day long and wondering about those three Allstate losers (probably named Dick).

Cricket said...

Hilary - Sorry about that. I'm my own worst enemy, musically. Lyrics, melodies, they're all filed away, waiting in ambush: the good, the bad, the truly hideous. Manilow? Ugh. Daybreak? Even Now? Everybody sing: His name was Rico. He wore a diamond... Come on, you know the rest!

This morning I woke up humming the Lucky Strike jingle: If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get.... That ad hasn't aired in God knows, but it's still stuck in my head.

I may need professional help.

Pauline - Welcome to my world ;-) Thanks for stopping by.

Anonymous said...

What a fabulous morning... when it's happening to someone else and you can read about it and giggle!! I am too scared to click the song link ;0)

Land of shimp said...

No kidding, the blast duster I keep around for my computer, that can of air with the thin tube attached to it, to concentrate the air direction, has a graphic on it under "warnings". In it, some crash-test-dummy looking outline, has the can, wand and all, pointed into its own ear. The graphic is crossed out in a "No Smoking" "Ghostbusters", universally recognized strikeout.

This made me despair for the human race more than anything else I've seen in quite a while.

"For all you people with the survival instincts of lemmings, here's the list of stuff not to do if you'd rather consider living."

My cat has more common sense than a variety of products would credit bipeds with having. I realize that they are trying to head off potential lawsuits, but with every one I see, I can't help but wonder if perhaps someone filed suit for doing that exact thing. Then I think about the instructions that come with things like a box of tampons, and realize, "Someone is paid to produce these graphics, and by now has lost the will to live." Graphics that include things like warning against electrocuting yourself, while holding a toaster (look at the safety tag on the average toaster in a store).

Somewhere there is a graphic artist who has taken to afternoon drinking, I feel certain of it. Me? I'm fine, I abstain from afternoon part because I'm afraid of the potential graphics on a bottle of Stoli.

Unknown said...

Didn't all this start with those people who sued McDonald's because their coffee was hot?! How utterly absurd. Hope you're sleeping better.

Matt Conlon said...

Yeah, the sad part is when you see a warning like that, you know that it's there because someone clearly wasn't aware of whatever it's saying...

Reminds me of the movie "Keeping the Faith"... Ben Stiller was recounting a recent date. "I take her out to dinner, I order dessert, she says she doesn't want any, I get pecan pie. She asks me for a bite, I give her a bite, her face swells up like a chipmunk, she looks at me and says, "Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?""